Sleep to Dream

“Some people die at 25 and aren’t buried until they are 75.” -Benjamin Franklin

I have everything needed for a happy, peaceful and sound life but maybe not for a fulfilling one.

Ever since I was young, I knew what I wanted to be. When asked then what are my plans, I could easily list them with details that seem believable enough to achieve. Well, it got me fooled. Fast forward to 25 young years of age, I’m unemployed, still living with my parents, almost failing my current graduate course and have absolutely not sent a fresh job application since my last day at my previous job. To put it simply, I was and still am going nowhere. In fact this probably is my 3rd week of being unemployed and all I have done which I’m slightly proud of is being able to go to the gym for 3-4 times a week for yoga sessions and other than that are days of laziness which are complete utter BS.

The not achieving or being unproductive part is not what I’m really concerned about right now. It’s actually the numbness in my head and going through day-to-day without a slight interest in formulating a concrete plan on how I should move forward. Days move on but my life went to a standstill. A clean slate was ever so tempting back then when I was so burnt out from my previous job but now it’s quite daunting. and let me tell you, the uncertainty is extremely terrifying.

When you graduate college and start your adult life, they definitely won’t hand-out a manual or a handbook on how to move forward. Maybe that’s what’s wrong. In my entire life I have been used to people telling me what to do like what assignments to finish, what schoolwork needs to be done and I couldn’t say otherwise because decision-making back then were quite limited because all those are to be made by the adults and now I’m one, I don’t know shit what to decide.

Once I was ever so certain of my dreams and other things I want to achieve in life but now, I can’t even muster up the kind of motivation I have then to form even a slight blurred picture of what I want to do.

A clean slate. A fresh start. A daunting experience. An adventure to nowhere that might or might not get me somewhere. It doesn’t matter what move to take as long as I don’t just sleep to dream about things I may or may not be meant to be doing with my life.

I refuse to die before my death.

People-watching

“Glance into the world just as though time were gone: and everything crooked will become straight to you.”
― Friedrich Nietzsche

I can no longer count how many people have passed by. I love watching people walk pass by while I sit in crowded coffee shops. I often choose a corner where I can view the window and see them go by one by one, in pairs and sometimes in groups. I always imagine what each of them are thinking at that moment, what are their exact thoughts as I watch how their faces get illuminated by the bright lights of the mall through this dimmed down coffee shop to where I am gazing through the glass as if seeing through an aquarium or through a looking-glass. It felt more like seeing them through a looking-glass as it feels more like I’m observing them and studying them with utmost awe and wonderment as to what lies in the deepest corners of their minds which cannot be accessed beyond the gestures of their bodies, expressions in their faces and the glistening of their eyes.

They say it is through the eyes where you can decipher someone’s feelings as expressions in the eyes can seldom be controlled to the what our minds are really contemplating. Thus, the eyes can truly be known as the window of the soul as it cannot be manipulated by thoughts and what they can exhibit is the purest of emotions one may or may not be willingly exposed. Eyes tell the truth.

I, myself, have always gave this mundane feel on everything as I fear to be tagged as mysterious. I don’t want to be interesting in the eyes of others. I want to be left alone and not be analyzed by anyone. I already have it hard to explain myself to myself so bringing outsiders to understand will definitely be overbearing for me. I know, how ironic it must be for someone so interested in the thoughts of others but at the same time be guarded to one’s own. Not ironic really, more on tragic I guess. The tragedy of the silent yet filled with skeletons too much for her to bear but still hide as this is the only way normal can be achieved.

I haven’t been diagnosed with any type of mental illness as I never want anything to disturb the comfort of knowing the safety promised by my undisturbed demise. Alas, you’re guess is right. An introvert battling with the darkness within. Yes, it’s a battle, a long-standing one where no one is winning nor losing but at the same time feels quite overwhelming.

It’s difficult to be an introvert with this burden as the things that keep me breathing are those which disturbs my notion of peace. I’m somewhat forced to go to crowded places. Being surrounded by people decreases the chances of me doing something impulsive as well as effectively silencing the voices in my head who I daresay are quite encouraging but not in a good way. Actually I can’t claim the goodness or the opposite of what the voices’ goal is for me. In one hand they scream for me to get out and just let go which for normal people is what I might assume as bad but then there’s this “good cop” voice which promises peace after nothingness which is very tempting indeed I must say. The voice that says why prolong the agony when peace can be attained in one swift moment of letting everything go. Such a musical voice this is and such a calming notion to be promised with peace.

If. You. Just. Pull. The. Trigger. Yourself. Together.

But then again, these people I see walking by, I longed to blurt out to them a question if only they weren’t strangers.

How I wonder what’s life whispering to you that makes you go on?