I have everything needed for a happy, peaceful and sound life but maybe not for a fulfilling one.
Ever since I was young, I knew what I wanted to be. When asked then what are my plans, I could easily list them with details that seem believable enough to achieve. Well, it got me fooled. Fast forward to 25 young years of age, I’m unemployed, still living with my parents, almost failing my current graduate course and have absolutely not sent a fresh job application since my last day at my previous job. To put it simply, I was and still am going nowhere. In fact this probably is my 3rd week of being unemployed and all I have done which I’m slightly proud of is being able to go to the gym for 3-4 times a week for yoga sessions and other than that are days of laziness which are complete utter BS.
The not achieving or being unproductive part is not what I’m really concerned about right now. It’s actually the numbness in my head and going through day-to-day without a slight interest in formulating a concrete plan on how I should move forward. Days move on but my life went to a standstill. A clean slate was ever so tempting back then when I was so burnt out from my previous job but now it’s quite daunting. and let me tell you, the uncertainty is extremely terrifying.
When you graduate college and start your adult life, they definitely won’t hand-out a manual or a handbook on how to move forward. Maybe that’s what’s wrong. In my entire life I have been used to people telling me what to do like what assignments to finish, what schoolwork needs to be done and I couldn’t say otherwise because decision-making back then were quite limited because all those are to be made by the adults and now I’m one, I don’t know shit what to decide.
Once I was ever so certain of my dreams and other things I want to achieve in life but now, I can’t even muster up the kind of motivation I have then to form even a slight blurred picture of what I want to do.
A clean slate. A fresh start. A daunting experience. An adventure to nowhere that might or might not get me somewhere. It doesn’t matter what move to take as long as I don’t just sleep to dream about things I may or may not be meant to be doing with my life.
I refuse to die before my death.